Loopholes
by The Suburban Coyote
Summary: Unable to remember her life, a dead girl makes a bargain to go back to the world of the living to try again. When she finds herself in the middle of a warzone between Drachma and Amestris, will she be able to find safety? Next time, read the fine print.
1. The End

_**WHUMP.**_

_Ow._

_That hurt. What's going on?_

She opened her eyes.

White. A dull, off-grey white. Everywhere.

_What an odd color._

Suddenly, there came into the girl's awareness an odd, solid sort of feeling. Not an unpleasant feeling, just a sort of connection, like… something indescribable, but right. It was pressed down on a flat, gritty surface.

_It feels sort of nice._

She lifted her pale head and saw a body.

Not an ugly body, (Not that she knew what ugly was, of course.) But a small one. The shape was pleasing, and was a milky cream color, very different from the light grey around her. It was giving her mind a connected feeling, like she was anchored down to… wherever. The soft material covering it was warm, and ashen, and also gave her a pleasant feeling. It smelled of something cool and smooth… sort of an "_uooah_" smell.

It made her… higher middle part… feel big, and a funny stretching came across her face.

_They're both white, but different kinds of white._

_How very odd._

All of a sudden, the milky girl realized something very odd indeed.

_I am hearing something…but not hearing something. There it goes again!_

She paused, but nothing happened.

_Why did it stop?_

She jumped a bit, suddenly hearing it again.

_Wait… is that me?_

She waited a moment, and tried again.

_Hello?_

_It is me!_

The stretching feeling came back.

_I must be… Thinking. Yes, thinking. How did I know that? Must be a part of thinking, knowing things. Funny word, thinking. Thhhh-iiin-king. Odd thing. Not hearing, but hearing. Am I the only one? How can I ask? Is someone listening? Hello! Heee-llooo?_

Nothing answered.

She let her head fall back down with a _**donk**_.

_Donk? That must be a real sound! Not a thinking sound. Can everyone hear sound?_

_Maybe I'll try making another one._

With a small strain of effort, she lifted her head once again and dropped it.

_**Crack.**_

She heard it, but it didn't make her happy. A numb, hot feeling spread through her top-half. It didn't feel proper. The stretching feeling came back, but it felt upside-down. It made her feel less proper.

_I must be doing it wrong. Others wouldn't make sound if it made their feelings bad._

A sudden panic overtook her.

_What if there isn't any others?_

Fueled by a new feeling, she tried something different.

She pulled her middle-part down, and tightened her throat at the same time.

"Urf."

_Yay! It worked! But it wasn't like the think-sound. It was wrong._

_Try again._

"E-o? Hey-o? Hay'lo? He-lo. Hello."

_That was right! Good!_

Exited, she repeated herself.

"Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello!"

This continued for the better part of an hour.

"Hell-o. Hullo. Hey-loo-oo. Haw-lualualuuuu. He-looo-looo-loo…."

Something sharp poked her in the top part.

"OW!"

She turned her eyes to the side to see…

_Yay! Another one!_

This one was like her, but different. This one was smaller. His color was different, but pleasing, too. His shape was straighter, less rounded than hers. It reminded her of a comfortable feeling.

In his hand was a long white stick. It's other end was currently pressing into her forehead.

"Hello!"

The smaller one made a tired sound, and the two round things on it's top half looked down at her tiredly.

"Are you broken, or what? You've been saying that for awhile now. Can you say anything more interesting?"

Her brow furrowed in thought.

_His sound is different. Not like mine. He wants me to make another sound._

She racked her brain for a good noise to make. Her thoughts told her a pleasant sound, one that she must've heard before, because it was very easy to think.

" O, say can you see, by the dawn's early light. What so proudly we hailed, at the twilight's last gleaming…"

"Okay, okay! Good enough." The other one said, cutting her off.

"Get up. The boss wants to talk to you."

_Talk?_

"Is talking what I am doing with you?"

Again came the tired sound. She felt as if she would be hearing it often in the future.

"Yes, we are talking. Good lord, I hate working with the freshies…" This part was muttered, but she heard it anyhow.

"I am a 'freshie'? Does that mean that I am new?"

"Yes, my friend. I think that you are very 'new'. Now get up."

_He called me 'friend'? Am I his friend now?_

A hand closed down on her arm, pulling her to her feet. A dizzy sensation came to her head, and her lower-middle part felt bad. Bending over, she vomited over the area she had been laying on.

"Oh, lovely." said the other one, stepping back.

She straightened again, wiping liquid from her face with the bottom of her shirt.

"That was not lovely," she corrected, rubbing away the disgusting substance. "It was very bad. You said I was your friend. Are we friends?"

A yelp startled her, and she jumped a bit, swaying on her feet.

"Pull your shirt back down!"

His face looked odd, and he was covering his eyes with one of his arms.

"Are we not friends?" she ventured, feeling disappointed for some reason.

The smaller one was looking away, the sides of his face turning a reddish color.

She smiled in delight.

"You are changing color! Can I do that too?"

She scrunched op her face, willing her skin to turn red.

She felt cloth brush against her stomach, and opened her eyes again to see the other one tugging down her shirt hem.

"Don't do that!" they complained.

"Why not?"

"Because… I don't want to see your boobs!"

"Boobs?"

She looked down at her higher-middle part. For the first time, she realized that the other one didn't have the same bulgy shapes as she did.

"You do not have boobs! Why do I?"

The red on the other one's cheeks deepened.

"Because… I'm a dude."

"Oh."

_I must not be a dude._

"What am I?"

The other one stared at her for a moment before answering.

"You are a girl. A teenager. Girls…. Um, need to cover their…" He drifted off, staring at her chest.

"Boobs?" she asked.

"Uh, yeah. Whatever. Anyhow, come on. The boss wants to talk to you." He turned around, and started walking away.

"Wait!"

He stopped, and looked back.

"What?"

Suddenly she felt very nervous.

"If you are a dude, and I am a girl, why am I shaped similar? Why are my clothes the same? Why am I in the same place?"

A look of relief came across the boys features, and he turned to walk away again.

"Oh, that." He said, his tone light.

"You're dead."

Okay, anybody interested? It'll take awhile for the action to start, but I'm not continuing unless I know someone wants it to. For the record, I have no religion and am neutral on the subject, so everything from here on out is just my crazy imagination, not fact. Please don't take offense if I do something wrong, just let me know.


	2. Rice

_Dead? Dead? I am dead? Why am I moving? Don't you stop moving when you are dead? I am moving._

As they stepped out of the grey area, the milky girl snapped out of her trance to gaze in wonder at her surroundings.

All around her, like a forest of aluminum, was hundreds and hundreds of great huge metal pillars. She looked up, and gave a whimper of fright to see that as far as her eyes could look in every direction, the buildings didn't end. They went up beyond a layer of smoky grey clouds, and across light grey asphalt and into infinity. Hundreds upon hundreds of dark curtained windows glinted in the omniscient white glow, following her movements like a cat stalking it's prey.

It made her feel very small.

_If they are so big, then I must be very tiny. I hope they do not fall._

"Um… Other one?" she continued walking, a bit faster actually, pointing to a random building.

"I have a question."

The boy ahead of her made the tired sound.

"The name's Rice. What is it this time?"

She paused, puzzled by the new word.

"Oh… Rice. What are the big shiny things? My thinking is telling me that they are sky-scrapers. But they are not moving. How can they scrape the sky?"

_Again, the tired sound. He is doing that too often. Maybe he will fall asleep soon? _

_What is a sleep? I had better not ask. He is going to be it soon. I do not think he will like being something else. I am not sure I would like being a sleep, either. I think it might be dark. What is da-"_

Rice spoke again, interrupting her thoughts.

"They don't scrape the sky, pasty. They're just called that because they're tall."

"Oh."

_That makes sense. But where is it? They are so big, and there are so many of them. If they are making sense, there should be a lot of it._

She smiled.

_I must think well, if the buildings make so much sense._

She was just in the middle of congratulating herself for her wonderful thinking, when Rice suddenly stopped walking. She bumped into his back, and blushed under the annoyed look that the smaller one shot at her. He glared at her for a moment, then stopped and rolled his eyes.

"We're here."

She looked around again, then sent a concerned look towards Rice.

"We have been here for awhile, Rice. Do you need to spew the slimy stuff? I had to do that when I was confused."

She screwed up her face at the memory.

"It felt bad."

_Now his face looks funny. Can I do that too?_

She stopped when he asked if she needed to go to the bathroom.

"Anyhow, we're here." He repeated. "Whatever you do, be polite. Don't ask too may questions. And please, please, _please_ don't mention the system."

_The system?_

She nodded, confused.

"You know how there isn't any people around?" Rice asked.

Once again, the pale girl took in her surroundings.

_Come to think of it, we do seem to be the only dead around._

It was true; there was no signs of life around. To be accurate, there was no sign of _death_ around. Nobody else walked the streets, no ghosts, no spirits. Only endless grey asphalt and never-ending buildings, cut off at the top by layers of chalky smog. She shivered. Being small was one thing, but being small and alone was something else entirely. It was cold and quiet, and not at all comforting.

She nodded awkwardly in response.

"Well, that's because the boss loves organization. The artists, the sculptors, politicians, homeless… all alphabetized and shelved away. Everything in it's proper place and all that. Do not screw up her system."

Another uncertain nod.

"Good."

He turned away, and walked up to yet another anonymous silver building. No, not completely anonymous. Just over the glass-paned doors, embellished in a jet-black typist font, were the simple words,

"Move On Always".

She swallowed apprehensively, suddenly very nervous about who she was about to meet.

_I am going to meet The Boss. The organizer. The person in charge._

_Whoever that is._

Her thoughts were cut off by an impatient grunt from Rice.

He stood in the doorway, waiting for her to enter.

"Hurry up, newbie. The Boss doesn't like to be knocked off schedule."

…...

Sorry this one was so short! And I promise, things will get more interesting in the next chapter. (It's gonna be really short, but the one after will be much longer.)

REVIEW IF YOU WANT IT TO CONTINUE! ANONYMOUS REVIEWS ARE ALLOWED! Please?


	3. Options

Inside the building, the actual setting seemed familiar. Grey, spongy material covered the ground, and little linty bits stuck to the girl's toes. She wiggled them uncomfortably, trying to get used to the itchy substance. The ever-present glow still remained, but it was now accompanied by the dim flicker of fluorescent overhead lights.

_How can bright be dim? Odd again._

Accompanying the lighting an the squishy floors were small, squarish cubicles covered in a thin layer of worn grey felt. The outsides had musty beige couches and shoddy end tables, and the odd artificial tree here or there were the only actual color in the whole place. Little clear vinyl stands propped up brochures and booklets, most of which portrayed sepia images of old couples holding hands on a shoreline, and twirly-letter titles like "_Passing on: How to let go_" and "_Is_ _reincarnation right for me?_". Her fingers itched to pick up one, to explore the odd texture and feel of the glossy paper, but remembering Rice's warning she tried as hard as she could not to touch anything.

She continued to follow the shorter boy, until her stopped at a chipped brown door.

He knocked, and stepped back.

"Come in."

The door swung open, and they stepped into a small white office. For the most part, it was the same as the rest of the building. There room was mostly occupied by a large green-grey filing cabinet, entirely covering the expanse of the farthest wall. Behind a large wooden desk, seated upon a black swivel chair, was The Boss.

"She's here." Rice stated, and the figure behind the desk looked up from a pile of paperwork.

She set down her ballpoint pen with a _click_, and sat up straight.

"Good. You may leave."

Rice nodded respectfully and exited the room.

The pale girl was sad to see him go; now she was alone again.

_Well, not exactly alone._ she reminded herself, eyeing the woman in front of her.

_But he was a friend._

Focusing once again on the woman, she realized that she was being inspected.

With a critical eye, she did the same.

The woman in front of her looked to be around middle-age, and wore a pair of clear-rimmed silver glasses. Shoulder-length brown hair was pulled back in a tight bun, making her face look strained. She had a thin body, although not painfully so, and wore a grey tweed suit jacket and a matching suit. A tiny silver chain necklace hung just above the top button of her white blouse, and looking closer the girl realized that it was adorned with the silver-wrought shape of an intricately forged moth, wings spread as if preparing to fly away at the slightest movement. Overall, the lady was not the intimidating symbol of power that the girl had originally expected.

_She looks… busy_. She decided.

"Please, sit."

Bringing herself back to the present, she saw that the woman was gesturing to a black steel-framed chair in front of her.

She sat down obediently, waiting for the woman to say something.

The woman continued to watch her, and she shifted under the gaze.

_Her eyes are grey. Are mine grey? I liked Rice's better. So blue…_

"Well, who were you?" The woman suddenly asked.

"Oh…"

"Do you know?" She cut in, not waiting for a response.

"No…"

"I see."

The lady looked down again, shuffling the papers on her desk.

"Well, I suppose we can put you in 'Amnesiac'." she stated, handing her a paper that was littered with indecipherably tiny words, crawling across the page like sugar-ants.

"Or 'Brain-dead'…" She tossed another paper.

"'Comatose', 'Delusional', 'Erratic', 'Fevered', 'Hung-over'… but then of course there's 'Mentally ill'…" For each word, the pile in her hands steadily grew.

"Um.. Excuse me?"

The woman arched an eyebrow questioningly, clutching a file titled 'Undefined cause of death'.

"But… are you God? My thinking is telling me that he should be here."

The lady dropped the file and sighed.

"I'm sorry, but I'm not God. I just run things around here, m'kay, hon? Thousands of people die every day. Dou you think they're just gonna drop in and clean up after themselves? No," She answered herself before the girl could even open her mouth, "Because they're confused. Most of them don't know where they are, and a lot of them don't want to think they're dead. They come here screaming and crying, begging to go back, and they don't even want to listen to reason. I have to organize therapy groups, acceptance ceremonies, confessionals, resting places, spiritual guidance, the list goes on and on."

"But… this is heaven, right? Why do they have to be organized?"

The lady snorted, sitting back in her chair.

"Classification confidentiality, sweetie. No confirmations. 'Fraid I can't tell you that. Even if it is, Heaven doesn't do it's own paperwork."

"Now,"

She walked up to the filing cabinet and opened one of the drawers.

"I'm in a bit of a rush. Lots of dearly departed to sort. Do you have any preferences? Limbo? Asgarth? Halla? Rebirth?"

She shuffled some files.

"Soul energy re-consumption?"

_What?_

"Um, actually…" she started.

"Actually what?"

"Actually, I was hoping… I was hoping to ask if you could help me remember my life, first. See, I think I'm supposed to remember that."

"Oh."

The lady's mood dampened somewhat.

"Well, there is a number of alternative options to that."

She shut her cabinet, and moved to open a drawer in her desk.

"We have complete memory wipe, so you can forget you wanted to remember, we have reincarnation, so it won't matter, we have…"

"No, thank you." she interrupted, overwhelmed by the unceasing flow of information.

"I would like to remember,"

"I see."

_No, you don't._ she wanted to yell at her, _No you don't._

"Is there anything… Else… that you would settle for?" the woman tried.

"No." she stated. "I need this."

The woman gave her an uncertain look.

"Well, if you're sure that's what you want to do…"

"I am." she stated.

"…Then this is what we can do…."

…...

Don't kill me for the cliffhanger! I'm sorry again for stretching this out, I honestly thought I would have some action by now. I've reviewed some of my work though, and I'm _POSITIVE_ that everything'll be flowing smoothly by chapter 5. (Chapter 4's gonna be real short.) PLEASE REVIEW!

Oh, and Minny? Thank you very much. : ) you have no idea how much that means to me. I'll be sure to do my best keeping up to your expectations.

Unnamed reviewer… thank you again. I'm glad I have consistant readers like you. If you like super-long series, try the 'Rohan pride chronicles'. It's on this site, and it's so far made up of 5 parts. Each part is longer than an actual tolkein novel. I think you'd like it, even though it doesn't even get into the LOTR thing until chapter 62 in book 1. Up 'till then, it's about a rohan girl who is kidnapped and forced to work in mordor for seven years before being sent to… never mind, just check it out. :D

REVIEW!


	4. Contract

"…So do you understand?" the woman asked, staring down at the girl.

She nodded, and the woman handed her a piece of thin, delicate material and a small pointy object.

_Paper, pen. Paper. Paaaaay-per. Pay-pir. Piiiiiiiiiir._

Noticing that she was beginning to drift off, the woman cleared her throat loudly, gesturing to the document.

"Please sign at the bottom, and read quickly if you don't mind. An explosion just went off, and I'd like to get some work done before the souls start flooding in."

_Read? Ree-eed. I can do that._

The pale girl nodded again, looking back down.

**FORM 1**

**STANDARD FORM OF RENTAL AGREEMENT**

Pursuant to Section 9(1) of the _Rental of Residential Property Act,_

hereinafter called "the Act," and section 3 of the Regulations

I. THIS AGREEMENT MADE this 6,0876,875,856 day, 3rd age

BETWEEN:

Unnamed female human

(Name)

hereinafter called the LESSOR

Earth, Milky way galaxy, 3rd dimension, Universe 17

(Street Address and Post Office Box where applicable)

(Soul Number(s))

(Yet to be decided by Lessor)

(Name(s))

hereinafter called the LESSEE(s).

II. In consideration of the mutual benefits and promises herein, THE PARTIES AGREE THAT:

1. The lessor will rent to the lessee and the lessee will rent from the lessor the following residential premises:

1 female, Single body

5'11, Fully functional limbic system/nervous system/skeletal structure/cardio system/ventelation, etc.

95.5 % Portion of conscious control

located at Earth, Milky way galaxy, 3rd dimension

(where applicable)

The Superintendent or Property Manager of the residential premises (if different from the lessor) is

The Boss

(Name)

Building 1212121212121221, Afterdeath recieval.

(Street Address and Post Office Box where applicable)

1230-1203-3789-8764-3445-3345-4456-4322-6543-6643-5643-6786-8765-432-5667-7887-1345-5665-1232-2211-2356-5444-3433-5644-3324-3224-4543-5554-9870-0756-33446-6757-7654-7654-7765-3432-5196

(Telephone Number(s))

2. This agreement is to begin on the 6,0876,875,856 day, 3rd age and end on the day of departure or recall.

3. The lessee will pay rent at the following rate:

7 live days per week.

The first payment of rent is due on the 7th day of each week.

Payments shall be delivered/mailed to subconscious, further directions through 6th sense.

Please note: the Lessee is not responsible for premature departure, spirit/soul displacement, damage to physical/mental/emotional/spiritual well-being. Maintenance of corporeal body will be kept by Lessor. The Lessee will provide arrangements in eventual departure of the Lessor. This is an untested soul departure method. The by signing this document, the Lessor claims full responsibility for his/her corporeal body. If the Lessor has any complaints, He/She may feel free to contact the Lessee after departure. Preffered departure methods pertain to old age, illness, or otherwise unconscious forms. Results may vary. Contract is non-renewable.

She bent down to sign the paper, pleased with the deal.

Then she realized that she didn't have a name yet.

_Oh well. It can't be that important._

She wrote a big, swirling _Q_, directly over the dotted line. It seemed a nice a letter as any.

The Boss nodded, and took back the document. She placed it carefully on the desk, perfectly parrelel with her little square lamp. She pulled alarge, rubber stamp from her desk. From where the girl was sitting, it looked like it said "._GNIVIL"._

"Very well. Are you ready?"

The girl smiled.

"I am."

"Good. Thank you for coming, have a nice day."

The stamp came down.

_**WHUMP.**_

Once again, the Boss was alone in the office. She sat back down on her swivel chair, and sighed at the pile of paperwork before her.

_It's going to be a long millenia. I should have worn my comfy shoes._

…...

Sorry it was so short! Don't worry, finally going to get the story started next chapter. ^_^ Keep reading, and REVIEW if you'd like it to continue! 8D


	5. Whump

_**WHUMP.**_

_Ow._

She felt the ground beneath her being once again.

All was dark, so she supposed that her eyes must be closed.

Opening them, the girl saw that she was once again in unfamiliar territory.

_This seems to be happening to me often. How peculiar._

Surrounding her pale form were several tall, scruffy things. They were high, although not as high as the buildings from Afterdeath. They were still like the structures, in the sense that they also very wide. Asides from that, everything else was opposite. Sleek, shiny corners and angles were replaced by torn and jagged clumps of rough grey materiel, somehow managing to cling onto the things by themselves. It looked nice. Thin, flaky curved things clustered around the pillar's sharp-looking fingertips, and it reminded her of something she had seen before.

_Maybe dead stay there, too._

She stared up for a moment, contemplative.

_No, they have a different… feel._

She sighed, making the tired sound.

_I will talk to another one about it when I find one._

_But first I must find one. Where is one?_

Then came the final thought.

_Where is where?_

She sat up, enjoying the grainy soft feel between her fingers.

It was… fresh. Comfortable.

…But it bit.

The girl wrapped her arms around her top-half, trying vainly to cover her chest with her form-heat.

_Why does it bite?_

Deciding to stand, her body shook involuntarily at a gust of the soft-biting blew up the edge of her sleeveless shirt. Although her top did little to keep out the icy sensation, loose grey pocket-covered pants tucked into soft leathery boots did well to keep her lower half somewhat comfortable.

_I should find another one now._

She made little or no noise as she walked, stumbling slightly into the darker, more comfortable recesses of the area.

She did not even notice the cold grey eyes that followed her ever move.

…...

Honestly, I think that this is the shortest chapter I've ever written. Ever. In my life. And I've been writing journal stories since I was 4. So, break out the confetti and streamers. How about I promise to write a longer chapter soon, so long as you guys promise not to fry me for this one? Deal? Please review! THE DRAGON QUEEN DEMANDS REVIEWS! Ignore that. I'm crazy.


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